Talk

I remember being a very young child and feeling like I was a good girl....even when my mouth got me in trouble.  It was never the plan to get in trouble.  I just had a big mouth.  I never could keep my mouth shut.  I would suddenly end up in trouble and honestly couldn't remember how I got there.  It always happened that fast.

What?  What'd I do?  What?  I talked back?  Really?  I was just telling you how I felt.

Words have always come tumbling out of my mouth....to the point that those around me know just exactly what I'm thinking....sometimes that's a good thing...sometimes not so much.  Phone calls were made to my mother from my teachers about my constant talking.  Report cards reflected my inability to stay quiet at appropriate times.  And as I grew older, relationships have definitely been affected by my voicing my opinion...whether it was asked for or not.  And there have been plenty of times that even I surprise myself by what just came out of my mouth...OUT LOUD.

Did I just say that?


I can tell I'm growing up (yes, I'm 54 and still growing up) because I have gotten a little better about controlling my mouth.   A.  Little.  Better.  But my mind is constantly racing with thoughts and I always seem to have an opinion...although I admit not always an educated one. 

I mean well.  I really do. 

So I will ask you how you are and probably not wait for your answer.  But I really do care how you are.  My brain has just fast forwarded to the next thing. And I will interrupt your story because I relate it to a time it happened that way with me and the words just spill out of my mouth even though you are still talking.  And I will probably irritate you with an "I told you so" because I did tell you so. 

I may even have a very strong opinion (you will call it judgemental) about your husband who you told me has physically beaten you...to the point you separate and move to the other side of town to get away from him...then go back with him right before the holidays...and I tell you he is not invited in to my home because I have daughters (who you talked about this abuse in front of) and I do not want them to ever think it is okay to be physically abused.  And this will put a huge wedge in our family.  But I had good intentions.  I really did.  I just couldn't keep my thoughts in my head and pretend I felt otherwise. I had to voice them.


A child like me, today, would be diagnosed with having A.D.D. and then be medicated.  I could spot those kids "like me" when I worked with kindergartners.  As long as their lack of impulse control doesn't harm anyone physically, they are usually just active, creative little beings.  So, I hold off being put on medication and pray hard to God to help me keep my mouth shut. 

Some days I excel.  Other days, not so much.



But as only God can do, he put me with a guy who doesn't talk much.  Most of my friends will say...."he probably doesn't have a chance to say much with you around".  Nope.  He can sit for hours and not say a word.  I've tested it.  And when I ask him what he's thinking, he says "nothing."  And he means it.  I've tried to think "nothing" but that never happens.


Thank goodness, one of us talks.  And thank goodness one of us can say nothing for long stretches at a time.


And you know what I've been worried about lately?

What if I couldn't speak?


How could I tell my kids how proud I am of them....and how much I love them....and how happy they make me?  And that good ol' quiet boy I married....he might be lonely if I couldn't talk.  

Yep.  Even when I'm not talking, I'm worried about not talking.