Saturday, March 31, 2007

Not funny

Jordan came in last night. She drove to Dallas today for the memorial service for her friend Casey's mother. Casey was Jordan's suite mate her freshman year and has remained a close friend since. She is getting married in November and Jordan will be a bridesmaid. Casey's mother died suddenly and unexpectedly about 2 weeks ago.

So this has been a week of funerals. One, the death of a 2 year old who died in a freak, tragic accident. The other, the death of a woman in her late 50's who just dropped dead on her patio. And, needless to say, I am feeling down.

When I started this blog, I envisioned that it would be funny. My smart-ass take on life, marriage, kids and work. But, I am not feeling funny right now. I know it will come back to me. Now, though, I just feel sad. Sad for these families.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wrapping My Brain Around It

I went to Ethan's funeral today with my teacher/friend. She picked me up and we went together and thought we could be strong for each other. I was strong, until I saw the little blue casket and it was open. Inside was Ethan's body in a baseball cap. There was a Blue's Clues book and a letter to him from his brother Zachary (our Zachary).....and a pack of gum. Right before the service started, they closed the lid. I kept reminding myself that was Ethan's body in there, but Ethan was not in there.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Believe. Believe. Believe.

Then the service started and you could hear the huge sobbing sounds coming from the family. I felt like I was watching a bad car wreck.

Zachary was hanging out in a room beside the alter before the service. We went in to speak to him and he was being so brave. His mom came in to get him and I heard him tell her he just didn't want to hear anymore crying. And he didn't say it ugly.........he just really meant it. I am sure he has seen some unbelievable crying in the last few days. More than most of us have seen yet.

He told us, in a very matter of fact way, that Ethan fell out of a window. Like, he didn't know we knew. Like he didn't really understand why his teachers were there. Like he didn't know it was a funeral for his brother. So incredibly young. His brain just could not wrap around what was happening to him and his family. And, me......who is wiser and older and seen way more than him.......couldn't wrap my brain around it either.

Two years of joy......Ethan brought his family 2 years of joy. What a price they are paying for that today. Maybe if I don't make eye contact with any of my children, get no joy from them anymore........then maybe nothing will happen to them. yea. Like don't get the crystal out and use it, it might break. Don't wear that great jacket to work, I might get a stain on it. Don't enjoy it, it might end.

Well, I am here to tell you.... It's going to end. I think the whole point is, it's going to end. So enjoy it.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Sad, sad day

I am a kindergarten teacher's aide. They call us paraprofessionals, but I don't know what that means, so I call myself a teacher's aide. I head to work this morning with a smile and ready to face the day.

I am met with a roomful of sad, sad faces. What? What's going on? One of the teachers tells me that Zachary's little brother died this weekend in a freak accident. My heart is pounding in my ears, my body is frozen.

The family was having a dinner party and all of the children were upstairs playing. Apparently, Ethan was ontop of the airhockey table. He lost his balance and fell backwards out the window onto the patio. LifeFlight arrived and worked on Ethan for an hour before taking him to the hospital. He died during surgery.

He shouldn't have been on that table. He was. The window shouldn't have been open. It was. He shouldn't have died. He did. And now........nothing will ever be the same.

I can't quit thinking about Zachary. A little boy himself, who has to see his mother, father and older sister cry.....probably scream.....

Tonite I am going out to eat with Chuck and his business associates. I would rather be sitting by Zachary. Holding him.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Until I get the hang of it.......

I have never been able to keep my mouth shut. Well, unless someone specifically ask me to keep a secret. Then I can do it by just "flushing" what they told me out of my brain. I have to go through the act of flushing.......yes, the handle on the commode.......and then pretend they never told me the secret. And even then, it comes to the front of my brain.........waiting to jump on to the tip of my tongue. And do not even add alcohol. Then it purges from my lips.

So I am really wondering how I am going to be a blogger. I have a million thoughts that I would like to share but it seems to me that it will involve some loved ones now and then. And God knows, my mouth has made a few enemies.......I can't even imagine what the written word will do. So I am going to think about this for a few days......and see if I can rise to the challenge.

Let me state first and foremost, that I would never hurt my family on purpose. Not on this blog, anyway.

I am making this blog sound way more exciting than it will ever be. So until I get the hang of it.....I will keep this blog a secret from those I love.

memory loss or a.d.d.?

To give you an example of my memory loss or my adult a.d.d.........this blog was born this afternoon on a trip in to the study to look up a recipe. Once here, I checked my email. There was an email from a childhood friend who I still keep in touch with thanks to the internet. She has started a blog of her own in the past couple of months and was pleading to her friends to read it. Actually, I do read it.......everyday. But I do not comment. And because I do not leave a comment, she does not know I read it. So, after she said it was so easy to get set up, I clicked the button "comment." Well, it asked for my email and then a password and when I hit CONTINUE........I had given birth to my very own blog. I'm still not sure how to "comment."

Now, I am hip to this blog world. I have been reading favorite blogs for well over a year. I have about 6 favorites that are part of my daily ritual. And even though I only know one of these bloggers personally, I feel as though I know all of them. Actually, I know things about them, that my own real friends don't know about me. And God forbid I ever actually write some of my true feelings the way these girls have..........what if my mother saw it? (And believe me, she would crop up now and then as aren't all issues traced back to our mother?) What if my kids read it? And my husband?

I think of myself as an open ask, I tell. But a blog. Well, you can't exactly talk about people, now can you? And you can't exactly tell all of the secrets you have kept from your husband, can you? About those wild, promiscuous 20's? How about those PMS charged tirades of the 30's? Those would make for some great stories now, but do I really want to relive that stuff?

But I am 49. And being 49 gives me a freedom that I didn't have when I was in my 20's and 30's and even the early 40's. Because I am thinking that if I dont' write some of this stuff down now, I won't remember it much longer. Because if it's not a.d.d............then it's definitely memory loss that has crept into my brain. I charged into this room earlier today to get a recipe. Now I can't even remember what I was going to look up.........and here I am now.... A Blogger.

And let me say, that those daily bloggers I read have been a real source of joy for me. When I read their stories, I realize we are all in the same boat. This will just be my point of view from that boat.