I went to Ethan's funeral today with my teacher/friend. She picked me up and we went together and thought we could be strong for each other. I was strong, until I saw the little blue casket and it was open. Inside was Ethan's body in a baseball cap. There was a Blue's Clues book and a letter to him from his brother Zachary (our Zachary).....and a pack of gum. Right before the service started, they closed the lid. I kept reminding myself that was Ethan's body in there, but Ethan was not in there.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Believe. Believe. Believe.
Then the service started and you could hear the huge sobbing sounds coming from the family. I felt like I was watching a bad car wreck.
Zachary was hanging out in a room beside the alter before the service. We went in to speak to him and he was being so brave. His mom came in to get him and I heard him tell her he just didn't want to hear anymore crying. And he didn't say it ugly.........he just really meant it. I am sure he has seen some unbelievable crying in the last few days. More than most of us have seen yet.
He told us, in a very matter of fact way, that Ethan fell out of a window. Like, he didn't know we knew. Like he didn't really understand why his teachers were there. Like he didn't know it was a funeral for his brother. So incredibly young. His brain just could not wrap around what was happening to him and his family. And, me......who is wiser and older and seen way more than him.......couldn't wrap my brain around it either.
Two years of joy......Ethan brought his family 2 years of joy. What a price they are paying for that today. Maybe if I don't make eye contact with any of my children, get no joy from them anymore........then maybe nothing will happen to them. yea. Like don't get the crystal out and use it, it might break. Don't wear that great jacket to work, I might get a stain on it. Don't enjoy it, it might end.
Well, I am here to tell you.... It's going to end. I think the whole point is, it's going to end. So enjoy it.
There's nothing like it. Paul's cousin's 2 1/2 year old son died IN HIS SLEEP (SIDS) several years ago. It's a completely different experience, like you say, with the tiny coffin, etc. You are so right, you must enjoy what you have when you have it, life can change in the blink of an eye. That's what keeps me from getting quite so far off perspective, that and reading the newspaper.
ReplyDelete