To my sweet Will,
On Sunday afternoon, right before we were heading out to celebrate your college graduation with a dinner out with family, I wrapped your gift and tried to write a few words to you on your graduation card. And that's when it really hit me. How in the world could I put in to one or two paragraphs just what you mean to me?
Just to be sure your sisters don't think I love you more...I should clarify that I love you all and would die for any one of you. But you are the baby and the only boy and the "whoops" and my direct hit from God.
You've been told this story your whole life but humor me while I repeat it again.
Up until that time in my life, I was all about control. I put a capital P in Planning. I would have 2 children by the time I was 30 and then I would sell all the baby stuff and go back to school to get my college degree. The Plan was rolling. I had the garage sale and sold the baby stuff. All of it. I had my 2 sweet girls and the youngest was almost 2. It was early 1990 and I would begin to Plan for the next steps of getting back to school.
And then the nausea hit. I was sure I was coming down with the flu. But the flu shouldn't make me late.
I cried. I prayed. I cried some more. How could this happen? I am a Planner. I Plan. There was no room for error. I was always in control.
I spent my days nauseated and sleepy. And trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I was not in control and I was, indeed, having a third child. I had to make the phone calls to the parents and tell them the news. The news coming out of the same mouth that announced to everyone just a month or so before that "we weren't having any more children....I was done and going back to school." Yep, the same mouth was now saying, "I'm pregnant."
I really was sad. Not because of YOU. Because I really didn't know you then. I was sad for me. For my big plans and my big mouth and my control issues. And my insane fertility....while others around me had trouble getting pregnant.
Around 17 weeks, I had an ultrasound. It was YOU. And you were a BOY. And I swear on that afternoon, I felt God. I had a strong change of heart. I suddenly let go. I let go. And I knew I was supposed to be the mama to 3 children and it was all going to be okay. It was God's plan for me. Not my plan for me. But His. And it was all going to be okay.
I spent the next few months awaiting your arrival and I have never looked back. You were my direct hit from God. And I thank Him always.
You were the sweetest baby and perhaps "hen pecked" a little more than necessary by me and your sisters...but only because you were like a real, live baby doll...we just couldn't leave you alone. You never really got to open your own Christmas or Birthday presents because of all of their "help." You know, because you were the "baby."
I know you are good to the core. You are handsome. Kind. Loving. Funny. Smart. You have a bleeding heart for others and animals. You are creative. And you are going to make a mark in this world. You are.
And when you move away and our lives get further apart, you must promise me that you will never, ever forget how much you are loved. Not only by me and Daddy...and your adoring sisters, but by God. He knew before I knew. He knew I needed you. That our marriage needed you. That your sisters needed a brother. That this world needed your kindness and creativity.
You can never, ever do anything to make me love you less. Even after that time you jumped out of a moving car...and I was mad and scared, I still loved you and prayed many thanks to God for your safety afterwards. I can't imagine how I could love you more. Except, I'm sure I will. You just continue to amaze me.
When you left for college, I wasn't sure how in the world you would be able to get up for class without me yelling at you to turn off your alarm and get up...and yet you did. I remember all the stressed out phone calls from that first year away and even the first few weeks of each semester after that and I prayed that somehow you would get through it. And you did. I have loved watching you grow in to the man I could never imagine.
I blinked and four years went by and now you're a college graduate. I'm very, very proud of you.
Now go get a job.
Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.
but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.