Not funny

Jordan came in last night. She drove to Dallas today for the memorial service for her friend Casey's mother. Casey was Jordan's suite mate her freshman year and has remained a close friend since. She is getting married in November and Jordan will be a bridesmaid. Casey's mother died suddenly and unexpectedly about 2 weeks ago.

So this has been a week of funerals. One, the death of a 2 year old who died in a freak, tragic accident. The other, the death of a woman in her late 50's who just dropped dead on her patio. And, needless to say, I am feeling down.

When I started this blog, I envisioned that it would be funny. My smart-ass take on life, marriage, kids and work. But, I am not feeling funny right now. I know it will come back to me. Now, though, I just feel sad. Sad for these families.

Wrapping My Brain Around It

I went to Ethan's funeral today with my teacher/friend. She picked me up and we went together and thought we could be strong for each other. I was strong, until I saw the little blue casket and it was open. Inside was Ethan's body in a baseball cap. There was a Blue's Clues book and a letter to him from his brother Zachary (our Zachary).....and a pack of gum. Right before the service started, they closed the lid. I kept reminding myself that was Ethan's body in there, but Ethan was not in there.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Believe. Believe. Believe.

Then the service started and you could hear the huge sobbing sounds coming from the family. I felt like I was watching a bad car wreck.

Zachary was hanging out in a room beside the alter before the service. We went in to speak to him and he was being so brave. His mom came in to get him and I heard him tell her he just didn't want to hear anymore crying. And he didn't say it ugly.........he just really meant it. I am sure he has seen some unbelievable crying in the last few days. More than most of us have seen yet.

He told us, in a very matter of fact way, that Ethan fell out of a window. Like, he didn't know we knew. Like he didn't really understand why his teachers were there. Like he didn't know it was a funeral for his brother. So incredibly young. His brain just could not wrap around what was happening to him and his family. And, me......who is wiser and older and seen way more than him.......couldn't wrap my brain around it either.

Two years of joy......Ethan brought his family 2 years of joy. What a price they are paying for that today. Maybe if I don't make eye contact with any of my children, get no joy from them anymore........then maybe nothing will happen to them. yea. Like don't get the crystal out and use it, it might break. Don't wear that great jacket to work, I might get a stain on it. Don't enjoy it, it might end.

Well, I am here to tell you.... It's going to end. I think the whole point is, it's going to end. So enjoy it.

Sad, sad day

I am a kindergarten teacher's aide. They call us paraprofessionals, but I don't know what that means, so I call myself a teacher's aide. I head to work this morning with a smile and ready to face the day.

I am met with a roomful of sad, sad faces. What? What's going on? One of the teachers tells me that Zachary's little brother died this weekend in a freak accident. My heart is pounding in my ears, my body is frozen.

The family was having a dinner party and all of the children were upstairs playing. Apparently, Ethan was ontop of the airhockey table. He lost his balance and fell backwards out the window onto the patio. LifeFlight arrived and worked on Ethan for an hour before taking him to the hospital. He died during surgery.

He shouldn't have been on that table. He was. The window shouldn't have been open. It was. He shouldn't have died. He did. And now........nothing will ever be the same.

I can't quit thinking about Zachary. A little boy himself, who has to see his mother, father and older sister cry.....probably scream.....

Tonite I am going out to eat with Chuck and his business associates. I would rather be sitting by Zachary. Holding him.